The cynic never dies...

I thought crossing 3 oceans, living alone, learning how to cook, braving the rain, the cold and the bloody snow, going through the study drill once again will make a "man" for the better. A "man" for tomorrow's world. But alas! The cold makes me more colder, the boredom laughs at me and the silence just stares at me. It does not ask me any question, it just stares. The creaks of the springs of the bed, the grumbling in my stomach, the wind hitting the chimney, all tease me. I think they tease me for an answer. But I let it pass. After all, its me who they tease!!
I still laugh at people who storm facebook with "my first snow" or "washing clothes at 2:45 in the morning" or "i loved shopping with you so and so". I don't judge them yet. But I laugh.
I am the guy who still sings old and sad songs in antakshari.
Among strangers, I still look out for the odd guy or girl who I think might be doing a Phd and talk.
I am still at awe at the odd guy/girl who can talk about Groucho, kailasam, Buster keaton, Fedrico Fellicini and Brain lara in the same 5 minute conversation.
I am still the guy who stands in the corner of the bar trying to gaze at everything.
I am still the guy whose gaze moves from the ankle and then to the bust.
I am still the guy who shrugs.....who smiles.....and has a silent laugh....
Perhaps somewhere deep inside I do not want the Cynic to die, perhaps that's the reason I don't try too much to bury him!!
Not many people will understand the gibberish above...but the 3 or 4 people who will understand this will also smile...laugh...and nod their heads at the screen and think of this fool for a few seconds and go "this ass will never change will he..!??"

One month.
One month after my first flight.
One month in a new country.
One month of cold air on my face.
One month of continuous partying.
One month of pretty pretty pretty ladies.
One month of wondering how short skirts can keep the cold out.
One month of eating stupidity.
One month of meeting amazing people.
One month of skype.
One month of missing a lot of important people.
One month of nothingness.......
Oh...ive got a year more........

From Tonachikoppal to Thames.
From playing lagori to the lords, from exchanging lables/stamps/coins/ to exchanging currencies, from wearing a chaddi to full body thermals, from demanding another breakfast to eating apples and carrots.
The boy has crossed three seas and finally come to the land of rains and no sunshine.
He has come here to study. Hopefully he does. He does not know how to cook, how to clean and yet stay healthy and strong.
Hopefully the boy will learn. Not to cook or clean, but to stay healthy and strong.
And in the mean time, if any of you know how to do the other things without much effort and money, please to teach!
After all, Thames cannot be much different than tonachikoppal, aint it?!?

The feeling of feeling IMPORTANT

Ego is like a woman's duppatta. She wears it to boost hers, and the man thinks its to deflate
his.(this is original...mind it)
Ever gone in search for the opposite of "ego"? Seems it is "sacred self". Let me be your wren
and martin for this. "My ego does not allow me to tell her she is cute" viz a viz "my sacred
self will let her know she is cute". Understood?!

The reason I started off on a Oh-so-English explanation is this- Is feeling important more important than actually being important? Does making someone feel important in his/her's home/workplace/relationship more relevant than making him/her know his/her's worth?

That extra mention of a person's name at his work place more often, that extra long hand shake a girl gives you which you think is exclusive for you alone, that extra 5 minutes your manager spends with you, that extra helping you are offered at the free lunch, that sorry you are told when you are made to wait. Are all these ego boosters or humble
courtesy or plain fraud. Like she say's...fraud everything?!

I am typing this not because I suddenly felt important important or otherwise, Its only cause at
the high point of my carrier when i have got a xx% hike after working for 2 yrs, I am quitting. I am quitting to study once again.

Is being a "sacred self" akin to being content or being conceited?! If I had said "i don't care what my hike is, i know i worked well" would it be conceit or content!? If I said I work for challenges would it be sacred self or fraud?! If I said i dont care i just work for the money, what would that be?!
If I felt important, and still was not bothered about anything, would that be ego?!
Are content and sacred self just decorated bullshit to justify no motivation and not being a part
of the rat race!?
It might seem that I am asking all these questions at the wrong time, and I don't believe I shall get answers for these anytime soon, but I do believe that I am a fraud, an egoist,a sacred self and content!!!

S.L.O.W M.O.T.I.O.N
It suddenly becomes cold, you fall sick. By mistake you take an overdose of citrezen and you are delusional....you think the best thing to do is to get under that thick rajhai that suddenly feels warm like her arms and you get tucked under it.

You realize you are only delusional and not sleepy. Watching tv is bad. Reading is bad as well...but perhaps less badder. You pick up this book given by a equally delusional person.
I am not much of a book critic. I read cause I like to. You read some books, and some books take you through the reading at their own pace. You cannot skip thru the lines, nor pages, nor words.
With lines like

a walk on a lonley night, and a meeting with the spirts, of the botteled kind

or this

Dear old Dehra : I may stop loving you, but I wont’ stop loving the days I loved you

Ruskin Bond's description of flowers, the savoy bar, the hill side and the calls of the local birds makes even the sweat running through your body go in slow motion. The eye lids close much slower, the clock seems to stop and you never realize when the book ends.
Its books like these that one should give and get as presents. Its books like these, that one should have in their book shelf, and read it every now and then.

And then there was hair........
Growing up, my dream was to one day get a shave in a gillete and say "gillete...the best a man can get"...not because sachin said it while i was growing up...but it seemed elegant, it seemed royal, it seemed majestic.....the rub of that foam, that splash of that clear water, that after shave that you could smell even thru the tv, that sexy female in a neglige who rubs her face against the gillete man....all these seemed like a pipe dream once.

Growing up during the "development period", realizing this was not so tough.(after all the dollar rate is above 45 even today!!) Other than the female in the neglige', I have come to realize the gillete dream. And I also was dissapointed as to how easy it was to realize.

For people who have seen the ad, if you observe keenly, not a single ad in a single country had adolocent boys or even 20-23yr old males in them. All of them had men, everyday men, men of fame, men of power, they had your father, my father.
Its not difficult to own a gillete today, you can get it off your credit card. Hell.....you can even buy the neglige' and the female off it..!!

It seems, we grew up to early my friend.....or we assumed so. We never realized when we had to tick the next box in the check list someone gave us. We never realized at 24,that we have only 2 more years to "settle". We never realized that earning equates to getting older.We never realized girls of our age look at us differently now, or that the next question would be "what are you going to do next?". We never realized answering to that with a "i dont know" is immaturity and lacking vision.
One of my friends said "our lives were spent whistling at the wrong girl". My friend...we whistled too late......
Gillete does not make a man of you,nor does your monthly payslip.Neither does it allow you to be a boy....oh no sir, ....all it asks you is..."what are you gonna do next?.."

Why you should not use facebook too much......
This is what happens when naive girls use too much of facebook.....!!!
(please to click on the pic for a better view...this was a female asking for nail...!!)

Those little things....
The wonderful voice of a woman the holds a lot of promise, and who says thank you after you open the door for her in office...........
The help desk girl who says "have a nice day sir" before she keeps the phone down.....
The lingering smell of a woman's braids as she she standing besides you in the lift.
The smile when you light a stranger's smoke......
A personal email from a friend on your official inbox.....
Seeing another person on the floor who is just as frustrated as you are, and both understand that without a word being spoken.
These little things....is what keeps you going on a boring bloody friday afternoon.....

Tripping thru..
The body relaxes,the fists clench. It's as if i'm going thru rigor mortis. I shake.
I wake up.I look around. I lie down. I curl. I am in the fetal position again. I close my
eyes. I see people around me, i hear them. I want to get up, i want to run.
I fall, I fall deeper and deeper. I open my eyes. There are 2 me's. One that say all this
is an illusion. I am ok. The world is ok. I am fine. Its just that i've woken up suddenly
from a deep sleep. Some water on my face will fix things.
No...No...nothing is ok. the other me shouts out. I close my eyes again. I fall, I fall..
Its an abyss i see. Its not dark, its colourfull, the colours of fire. Its a triangle. Its closing
in, its closing in.....its hot...i am burning from the inside...i want out...i want out...
I can see those hands, i want to reach them, but i cant, i am falling, the triangle is closing in..
I open my eyes...This is not happening, i am fine, this is a dream....I am ok....i close
my eyes again.
I am walking thru a cloud...its just grey haze. I am walking....I am walking...I fall....
and then.... there was light...

What has the world around me come to, Part 2 (And perhaps the penultimate part)

Me- Thu...you are shameless....2 with you.
(dear readers, please to oblige, I am a kid most of the times)

A she-Hmm.....3 and 4 also with you.....!! :P :D

Me-Huh...what does that mean??is that a joke?

A she-Blink Blink?? Please think...

Me- Oh shit....!!

And it was the rubber girl who said the above lines.....how oxymoronic......!!!! Look what 1 year and me did to her...!!
Its disgusting to know people are getting smarter and you are loosing your aim....

Oh i digress....!!! I am planning to turn into a monk after this.....!!!

P.S. From the times of convent education till today's "international schools", ask any kid in India what "2 with you" means.

I loose my inhibitions, I loose my solitude,
With the wind in my hair and dust in my face,
In me a great concoction is brewed.

The grease, the pain, the oil the stain,
Where do I go, this cross, that main?
Oh thy road, be my abode,
let the showers of blessings on me be bestowed.
Fill up the tank, grease the chain,
I ride again into the rain, I ride again into the rain.....

Coastal karnatka on my yezdi did things to me.....The bad roads the good roads, the salt in the air, the girl who was oh-so fair....
After cancellations and deliberations, 7 fools finally decided to go on a trip to the coast and malnad regions of our wonderful state.
2 men on 2 bikes and 5 ladies in a car (by ladies i mean men who preffered a car to a bike) headed out to the coast, following each and every milepost.

The pillion.
An empty pocket ,a bent sprocket
The unsettled dust on that old jacket.
All these forced me to ride as a pillion,
Oh i say the ride was one in a million.

The potholes on the road, the potholes in my head,
The thought of you makes the whole world seem dead.
The smell of rubber,burnt on the road in protest,
the slogan shouting on a politician's pretext,
In between all this, you are hard to forget.

The curves on the road, the curves around your waist,
That kiss which has left a lingering taste.
The mist in the air, reminds me of our little affair,
In this cold,at this moment,
All i ask is to nestle in your lovely hair.

This my love, is not the idea of a drunks prank,
Believe when is say this,
I shall make love to you on my next bike's petrol tank...


But until then, i shall contend with the nearest sperm bank....

This was the stupidity that ran through while riding as a pillion to horsley hills this week.
Dont ask me who i am referring to or what it means.

My best one yet.....
This one flashed to me while i was having dosa alone and looking around...

"A duppata is the creation of god to increase the ego of a woman...and the curiosity of a man....."

- Silk smitha and disco shanti...

The ride...

The wind in my hair,
The dust hitting my face,
You not on the rear seat...what a disgrace.

The rain stinging me like ur words,
I still refuse to listen to the birds,
Tobacco in my chest,
Leather on my vest,
Barley in my tummy,
Without you the world seems dummy.

The billboards scream of communist manifesto,
Having the 2 rupee chai in the next bristo,
The lift to the next town to a stranger,
By god the road is my avenger.

The monkey on the road....The monkey in my head,
With all the shit running thru my mind...everything else seems dead.

This,my girl is not a sonnet...
Believe me when i say this...
one day i shall make love to u on my first cars bonnet.....

All these ran thru my mind during the 320km ride to pondicherry. Dont ask me what it means......

You know u are yet to "fit in" to the big city crowd when.....
A smart she-Hey seems there is a central opening at jaynagar anthe....i am soooo happy...
The dumb me-Huh...all openings are in the center only..please be specific....
after 10mins...
A smart she- Yuck..thu..shameless...i was referring to the central mall...!!!
The dumb me- Oh...ok..!!!

On a completely different note.....
the same smart she- You know there is a guy in office whose dream is to design bikinis...how idiotic and stupid no...!!??
The MUCH smarter me- Whats so stupid in that...?? its quite challenging you know. Its tough to decide what to cover and what not to......!!!!

What has the world around me come to..............!!!?????
I ask a very fine lady friend of mine "Hey...u free on the first friday of october? we will go first day first show to himesh's movie radio?? i will pay for the tickets!!
She-thu.....get lost...
Me-What?? all i am asking you is to come to a movie...he is funny..!!
She-How can u expect people to accompany u to a himesh movie??
Me-I am not calling you to watch porn with me...!!
She-Watching porn with you is much more exciting than watching a Himesh movie....
What did she mean?? what did she mean??? I must really be a boring person or.......OR...........

Mediocrity, sidey theaters and empty wallets.....
Being in the midst of people who consider you a smart and suave guy makes u mediocre at the end.You reach home and realize you were good when people consider you dumb. Over a span of 10 months you have transformed into the typical cliche'. Cant survive between smarter people, feel disgusted acting the smart guy around people who consider you smart.

"Moving forward" (I am an IT guy u c, and we of-tan use these terms), my mediocrity has turned so mediocre, my supposedly busy ske-dule allowed me the rare luxury of a hindi movie in a theater. The only catch was i did not find another jobless kamina to watch kaminey. So yours truely went to a tent-converted-to-a-theater in the big city to watch the kaminey.
The theater is your quintessential adult movie theater which plays the occasional hit movie to save its credibility sort of a theater. There were exactly 23 people in the balcony section trying to find a lesser stained seat. The stains ranged in colours from red, white, yellow to blue.(I did not try to guess what fluids could have caused those stains). There were drunks, jobless people, pseudo joblesses like me, and girls who were cursing their male partners for bringing them to such a theater. Through the movie nice little female mosquitoes kept me company by caressing me in all the right and wrong places. (Not to forget priyanka chopras delicious saree wearing style...)
The only reason I did go to this theater is that i am salary-less from the 2 months due to some "technical glitches" as my folks put it. So an empty wallet and an empty mind is staring at this kamina now....!!

When girly things happen to ungirly fellows.
Not being an MCP or a feminist or all that in between, not withstanding those bollywood cliche's of engagements/marriages being the best place for clandistine flings, yours truely experienced all those things which boys/men of his age never dream of.
Being the unsocial animal i was for years,and living in the big city made me look like an alien, i thought of attending an engagement of a decent enough colleauge.Thanks to others who were too busy to make it, i went there decenlty dressed, empty handed, met the groom and the bride( who was wonderfully beautiful and was almost my age, which made mefeel guilty for her), had a cup of good filter coffee, declined lunch as i had to rush back to office and left the scene without a sound. Now 3 days after this, the colleauge who caught this wonderfully beautiful young girl asks me my age. I oblidge and tell him. He asks me my birth date, i oblige and tell him that too. He then asks me the time of my birth. I say i frankly do not know that and ask him y is he askingme all this?!? and then he drops the bomb...telling me "all the people there were asking details about you, you are hot property now.How much you make a month, what caste/subcaste are you and allthat."
It took me around 5 mins to realize what he was talking about, and i realised he was asking all this to hook me up for nuptial bliss with some1...!!!!!!I did not know wethere to be shocked, angry, happy that SOMEBODY took notice or plain baffeld.
For a guy who is 22, who was and is as single as a penis, this was page3 stuff...!!!For gods sake who will ask a 22 year old guy's details for marriage..!!?!? Either I must look6 yrs older than my actualy age which is extremely embarassing to me and insulting to my parents,OR every1 in that function hall had myopic tendancies. All the girls whose legs i had pulled pertaining marriage and boys and saas bahu stuff....all those times they have had to bear my stupid wise cracks about girls getting married early...!!What a field day for them....!!! Hats off to all those single girls who go to marriages/engagements or other places and have to face all this bullshit each and every time...!!! What a fuckin joke...!!

And then there was light...
Thanks to the wonderful atmosphere of the big city that i have been drinking from the past 8 months (among other things), it has suddenly struck me that i am an out-of-place techi in the big city corporate world. It seems 8 months has not evolved me into the quintessential techi that i should have become. Cause a normal techi within 8 months of earning his bread, butter and vodka has to have done the following things-
*Should have changed 2 extremely costly mobile phones even though his office does not allow him to get these fancy mobiles into the office.
*Should own a fancy Ipod.
*Should have had 2 break ups.
*Should suddenly follow F1 even though the only round thing that he sees close are not tyres.
*Beer is suddenly replaced by the costliest vodka.
*Has more plastic cards in his pockets than currency notes.
*Recognizes Meal tickets and Sodexo passes faster than a 10re note (which he uses seldom).
*Sports a fancy sunglass even at 8 in the night in a fancy pub.
*Should change his hair style every 15days.
*Should have attended atleast one bootcamp of some sort and one cycling/biking expedition with unknown people.
*And finally should never go to the pantry\cafeteria alone to drink a cup of coffee.

Except for the graduation form beer to vodka(albeit a cheap one), your's truely has had no success in becoming a successful techi in all other aspects. So heres asking suggestions in becoming a typecast techi in the big city so that yours truely can do better things in his off office hours other than blog on a low battery Laptop...!!

Finally......
I put my finger to better use....and...hopefully this stain has more meaning...!!!