Are you worth it?
I am a guy who thinks too little of himself. Not too low...but too little of himself. People whom I respect and think of as "oh...its him/her", in my eyes can never do wrong. On the contrary, "other" people are just "people" to me. I don't mean I disrespect them, I do talk to them, laugh with them, share a perverted joke or two with them, but I forget the conversation the next instant.When the roles are reversed, when you miss the subtleties in "people", when people give you importance, do you question yourself sometime-are you worth it..?!
When a colleague who was just a "smoke friend" gives you a goodbye gift when you are leaving the company,
When kids you play with give you a send off card adding an adjective to every letter of your name,
When a distant relative whom you have not talked to for a long time calls you just before you leave the country,
When a "all the best" from a classmate is really earnest,
When someone whom you always annoy, in all her sleepiness asks you "when are you coming back",
When a guy who you just know by name says "you are really looking smart today",
When a hug lasts just that moment longer,
When the goodnight on skype is followed by a moment of silence and then you disconnect,
When a "thanks!!!" is followed by a twinkle in the eye,
When you hear "happppppy birthdayyyyyyyy" on the other end of the line, and you realize the other person is more excited than you,
When a simple "kya kar raha hain.....ghar aaja baatein karthe hain" pops up on your chat window,
When you hear a "how are you ,son" on skype sitting 3 oceans away,
When a "dont worry, you will find your way" sounds so so genuine,


Do you question yourself- Are you worth it??


P.S. Too all the people who read this blog and can relate to this post-I am too conceited to appreciate any of you fools, so in case I die conceited, think this as my epitaph to you ppl..!!!

The cynic never dies...

I thought crossing 3 oceans, living alone, learning how to cook, braving the rain, the cold and the bloody snow, going through the study drill once again will make a "man" for the better. A "man" for tomorrow's world. But alas! The cold makes me more colder, the boredom laughs at me and the silence just stares at me. It does not ask me any question, it just stares. The creaks of the springs of the bed, the grumbling in my stomach, the wind hitting the chimney, all tease me. I think they tease me for an answer. But I let it pass. After all, its me who they tease!!
I still laugh at people who storm facebook with "my first snow" or "washing clothes at 2:45 in the morning" or "i loved shopping with you so and so". I don't judge them yet. But I laugh.
I am the guy who still sings old and sad songs in antakshari.
Among strangers, I still look out for the odd guy or girl who I think might be doing a Phd and talk.
I am still at awe at the odd guy/girl who can talk about Groucho, kailasam, Buster keaton, Fedrico Fellicini and Brain lara in the same 5 minute conversation.
I am still the guy who stands in the corner of the bar trying to gaze at everything.
I am still the guy whose gaze moves from the ankle and then to the bust.
I am still the guy who shrugs.....who smiles.....and has a silent laugh....
Perhaps somewhere deep inside I do not want the Cynic to die, perhaps that's the reason I don't try too much to bury him!!
Not many people will understand the gibberish above...but the 3 or 4 people who will understand this will also smile...laugh...and nod their heads at the screen and think of this fool for a few seconds and go "this ass will never change will he..!??"

One month.
One month after my first flight.
One month in a new country.
One month of cold air on my face.
One month of continuous partying.
One month of pretty pretty pretty ladies.
One month of wondering how short skirts can keep the cold out.
One month of eating stupidity.
One month of meeting amazing people.
One month of skype.
One month of missing a lot of important people.
One month of nothingness.......
Oh...ive got a year more........

From Tonachikoppal to Thames.
From playing lagori to the lords, from exchanging lables/stamps/coins/ to exchanging currencies, from wearing a chaddi to full body thermals, from demanding another breakfast to eating apples and carrots.
The boy has crossed three seas and finally come to the land of rains and no sunshine.
He has come here to study. Hopefully he does. He does not know how to cook, how to clean and yet stay healthy and strong.
Hopefully the boy will learn. Not to cook or clean, but to stay healthy and strong.
And in the mean time, if any of you know how to do the other things without much effort and money, please to teach!
After all, Thames cannot be much different than tonachikoppal, aint it?!?

The feeling of feeling IMPORTANT

Ego is like a woman's duppatta. She wears it to boost hers, and the man thinks its to deflate
his.(this is original...mind it)
Ever gone in search for the opposite of "ego"? Seems it is "sacred self". Let me be your wren
and martin for this. "My ego does not allow me to tell her she is cute" viz a viz "my sacred
self will let her know she is cute". Understood?!

The reason I started off on a Oh-so-English explanation is this- Is feeling important more important than actually being important? Does making someone feel important in his/her's home/workplace/relationship more relevant than making him/her know his/her's worth?

That extra mention of a person's name at his work place more often, that extra long hand shake a girl gives you which you think is exclusive for you alone, that extra 5 minutes your manager spends with you, that extra helping you are offered at the free lunch, that sorry you are told when you are made to wait. Are all these ego boosters or humble
courtesy or plain fraud. Like she say's...fraud everything?!

I am typing this not because I suddenly felt important important or otherwise, Its only cause at
the high point of my carrier when i have got a xx% hike after working for 2 yrs, I am quitting. I am quitting to study once again.

Is being a "sacred self" akin to being content or being conceited?! If I had said "i don't care what my hike is, i know i worked well" would it be conceit or content!? If I said I work for challenges would it be sacred self or fraud?! If I said i dont care i just work for the money, what would that be?!
If I felt important, and still was not bothered about anything, would that be ego?!
Are content and sacred self just decorated bullshit to justify no motivation and not being a part
of the rat race!?
It might seem that I am asking all these questions at the wrong time, and I don't believe I shall get answers for these anytime soon, but I do believe that I am a fraud, an egoist,a sacred self and content!!!

S.L.O.W M.O.T.I.O.N
It suddenly becomes cold, you fall sick. By mistake you take an overdose of citrezen and you are delusional....you think the best thing to do is to get under that thick rajhai that suddenly feels warm like her arms and you get tucked under it.

You realize you are only delusional and not sleepy. Watching tv is bad. Reading is bad as well...but perhaps less badder. You pick up this book given by a equally delusional person.
I am not much of a book critic. I read cause I like to. You read some books, and some books take you through the reading at their own pace. You cannot skip thru the lines, nor pages, nor words.
With lines like

a walk on a lonley night, and a meeting with the spirts, of the botteled kind

or this

Dear old Dehra : I may stop loving you, but I wont’ stop loving the days I loved you

Ruskin Bond's description of flowers, the savoy bar, the hill side and the calls of the local birds makes even the sweat running through your body go in slow motion. The eye lids close much slower, the clock seems to stop and you never realize when the book ends.
Its books like these that one should give and get as presents. Its books like these, that one should have in their book shelf, and read it every now and then.

And then there was hair........
Growing up, my dream was to one day get a shave in a gillete and say "gillete...the best a man can get"...not because sachin said it while i was growing up...but it seemed elegant, it seemed royal, it seemed majestic.....the rub of that foam, that splash of that clear water, that after shave that you could smell even thru the tv, that sexy female in a neglige who rubs her face against the gillete man....all these seemed like a pipe dream once.

Growing up during the "development period", realizing this was not so tough.(after all the dollar rate is above 45 even today!!) Other than the female in the neglige', I have come to realize the gillete dream. And I also was dissapointed as to how easy it was to realize.

For people who have seen the ad, if you observe keenly, not a single ad in a single country had adolocent boys or even 20-23yr old males in them. All of them had men, everyday men, men of fame, men of power, they had your father, my father.
Its not difficult to own a gillete today, you can get it off your credit card. Hell.....you can even buy the neglige' and the female off it..!!

It seems, we grew up to early my friend.....or we assumed so. We never realized when we had to tick the next box in the check list someone gave us. We never realized at 24,that we have only 2 more years to "settle". We never realized that earning equates to getting older.We never realized girls of our age look at us differently now, or that the next question would be "what are you going to do next?". We never realized answering to that with a "i dont know" is immaturity and lacking vision.
One of my friends said "our lives were spent whistling at the wrong girl". My friend...we whistled too late......
Gillete does not make a man of you,nor does your monthly payslip.Neither does it allow you to be a boy....oh no sir, ....all it asks you is..."what are you gonna do next?.."

Why you should not use facebook too much......
This is what happens when naive girls use too much of facebook.....!!!
(please to click on the pic for a better view...this was a female asking for nail...!!)

Those little things....
The wonderful voice of a woman the holds a lot of promise, and who says thank you after you open the door for her in office...........
The help desk girl who says "have a nice day sir" before she keeps the phone down.....
The lingering smell of a woman's braids as she she standing besides you in the lift.
The smile when you light a stranger's smoke......
A personal email from a friend on your official inbox.....
Seeing another person on the floor who is just as frustrated as you are, and both understand that without a word being spoken.
These little things....is what keeps you going on a boring bloody friday afternoon.....

Tripping thru..
The body relaxes,the fists clench. It's as if i'm going thru rigor mortis. I shake.
I wake up.I look around. I lie down. I curl. I am in the fetal position again. I close my
eyes. I see people around me, i hear them. I want to get up, i want to run.
I fall, I fall deeper and deeper. I open my eyes. There are 2 me's. One that say all this
is an illusion. I am ok. The world is ok. I am fine. Its just that i've woken up suddenly
from a deep sleep. Some water on my face will fix things.
No...No...nothing is ok. the other me shouts out. I close my eyes again. I fall, I fall..
Its an abyss i see. Its not dark, its colourfull, the colours of fire. Its a triangle. Its closing
in, its closing in.....its hot...i am burning from the inside...i want out...i want out...
I can see those hands, i want to reach them, but i cant, i am falling, the triangle is closing in..
I open my eyes...This is not happening, i am fine, this is a dream....I am ok....i close
my eyes again.
I am walking thru a cloud...its just grey haze. I am walking....I am walking...I fall....
and then.... there was light...

What has the world around me come to, Part 2 (And perhaps the penultimate part)

Me- Thu...you are shameless....2 with you.
(dear readers, please to oblige, I am a kid most of the times)

A she-Hmm.....3 and 4 also with you.....!! :P :D

Me-Huh...what does that mean??is that a joke?

A she-Blink Blink?? Please think...

Me- Oh shit....!!

And it was the rubber girl who said the above lines.....how oxymoronic......!!!! Look what 1 year and me did to her...!!
Its disgusting to know people are getting smarter and you are loosing your aim....

Oh i digress....!!! I am planning to turn into a monk after this.....!!!

P.S. From the times of convent education till today's "international schools", ask any kid in India what "2 with you" means.

I loose my inhibitions, I loose my solitude,
With the wind in my hair and dust in my face,
In me a great concoction is brewed.

The grease, the pain, the oil the stain,
Where do I go, this cross, that main?
Oh thy road, be my abode,
let the showers of blessings on me be bestowed.
Fill up the tank, grease the chain,
I ride again into the rain, I ride again into the rain.....

Coastal karnatka on my yezdi did things to me.....The bad roads the good roads, the salt in the air, the girl who was oh-so fair....
After cancellations and deliberations, 7 fools finally decided to go on a trip to the coast and malnad regions of our wonderful state.
2 men on 2 bikes and 5 ladies in a car (by ladies i mean men who preffered a car to a bike) headed out to the coast, following each and every milepost.

The pillion.
An empty pocket ,a bent sprocket
The unsettled dust on that old jacket.
All these forced me to ride as a pillion,
Oh i say the ride was one in a million.

The potholes on the road, the potholes in my head,
The thought of you makes the whole world seem dead.
The smell of rubber,burnt on the road in protest,
the slogan shouting on a politician's pretext,
In between all this, you are hard to forget.

The curves on the road, the curves around your waist,
That kiss which has left a lingering taste.
The mist in the air, reminds me of our little affair,
In this cold,at this moment,
All i ask is to nestle in your lovely hair.

This my love, is not the idea of a drunks prank,
Believe when is say this,
I shall make love to you on my next bike's petrol tank...


But until then, i shall contend with the nearest sperm bank....

This was the stupidity that ran through while riding as a pillion to horsley hills this week.
Dont ask me who i am referring to or what it means.

You know u are yet to "fit in" to the big city crowd when.....
A smart she-Hey seems there is a central opening at jaynagar anthe....i am soooo happy...
The dumb me-Huh...all openings are in the center only..please be specific....
after 10mins...
A smart she- Yuck..thu..shameless...i was referring to the central mall...!!!
The dumb me- Oh...ok..!!!

On a completely different note.....
the same smart she- You know there is a guy in office whose dream is to design bikinis...how idiotic and stupid no...!!??
The MUCH smarter me- Whats so stupid in that...?? its quite challenging you know. Its tough to decide what to cover and what not to......!!!!

What has the world around me come to..............!!!?????
I ask a very fine lady friend of mine "Hey...u free on the first friday of october? we will go first day first show to himesh's movie radio?? i will pay for the tickets!!
She-thu.....get lost...
Me-What?? all i am asking you is to come to a movie...he is funny..!!
She-How can u expect people to accompany u to a himesh movie??
Me-I am not calling you to watch porn with me...!!
She-Watching porn with you is much more exciting than watching a Himesh movie....
What did she mean?? what did she mean??? I must really be a boring person or.......OR...........

Mediocrity, sidey theaters and empty wallets.....
Being in the midst of people who consider you a smart and suave guy makes u mediocre at the end.You reach home and realize you were good when people consider you dumb. Over a span of 10 months you have transformed into the typical cliche'. Cant survive between smarter people, feel disgusted acting the smart guy around people who consider you smart.

"Moving forward" (I am an IT guy u c, and we of-tan use these terms), my mediocrity has turned so mediocre, my supposedly busy ske-dule allowed me the rare luxury of a hindi movie in a theater. The only catch was i did not find another jobless kamina to watch kaminey. So yours truely went to a tent-converted-to-a-theater in the big city to watch the kaminey.
The theater is your quintessential adult movie theater which plays the occasional hit movie to save its credibility sort of a theater. There were exactly 23 people in the balcony section trying to find a lesser stained seat. The stains ranged in colours from red, white, yellow to blue.(I did not try to guess what fluids could have caused those stains). There were drunks, jobless people, pseudo joblesses like me, and girls who were cursing their male partners for bringing them to such a theater. Through the movie nice little female mosquitoes kept me company by caressing me in all the right and wrong places. (Not to forget priyanka chopras delicious saree wearing style...)
The only reason I did go to this theater is that i am salary-less from the 2 months due to some "technical glitches" as my folks put it. So an empty wallet and an empty mind is staring at this kamina now....!!

When girly things happen to ungirly fellows.
Not being an MCP or a feminist or all that in between, not withstanding those bollywood cliche's of engagements/marriages being the best place for clandistine flings, yours truely experienced all those things which boys/men of his age never dream of.
Being the unsocial animal i was for years,and living in the big city made me look like an alien, i thought of attending an engagement of a decent enough colleauge.Thanks to others who were too busy to make it, i went there decenlty dressed, empty handed, met the groom and the bride( who was wonderfully beautiful and was almost my age, which made mefeel guilty for her), had a cup of good filter coffee, declined lunch as i had to rush back to office and left the scene without a sound. Now 3 days after this, the colleauge who caught this wonderfully beautiful young girl asks me my age. I oblidge and tell him. He asks me my birth date, i oblige and tell him that too. He then asks me the time of my birth. I say i frankly do not know that and ask him y is he askingme all this?!? and then he drops the bomb...telling me "all the people there were asking details about you, you are hot property now.How much you make a month, what caste/subcaste are you and allthat."
It took me around 5 mins to realize what he was talking about, and i realised he was asking all this to hook me up for nuptial bliss with some1...!!!!!!I did not know wethere to be shocked, angry, happy that SOMEBODY took notice or plain baffeld.
For a guy who is 22, who was and is as single as a penis, this was page3 stuff...!!!For gods sake who will ask a 22 year old guy's details for marriage..!!?!? Either I must look6 yrs older than my actualy age which is extremely embarassing to me and insulting to my parents,OR every1 in that function hall had myopic tendancies. All the girls whose legs i had pulled pertaining marriage and boys and saas bahu stuff....all those times they have had to bear my stupid wise cracks about girls getting married early...!!What a field day for them....!!! Hats off to all those single girls who go to marriages/engagements or other places and have to face all this bullshit each and every time...!!! What a fuckin joke...!!

Mail Mail mein me.....

In the big city corporate world, checking mails is REALLY an importnat thing. And more important is to make sure other people know that you have checked your mail. All the mails I used to ever receive before being a "techie" were all related to increasing the size of one's penis, or getting a bigger bust line, investment ideas from nigeria or job offers which never suited my resume (if it's a resume). But after being a "techie" and get a corporate email ID, I've come to realize the (un) importance of mails and reading them.

Essentially, there are like 2 types of mails.

Out of office mails-ones where u send out mails to the whole world that u are not working and please do not contact me or-i-will-screw-u.

And the most important of mails-Communication mails.These mails are supposed to be sent out to make sure ppl understand what u have already told them. You have xplained something for 1hr to a person and he has understood it, but still u've to spend 2hrs typing that out and mailing it to him. Y u ask..??? For the only reason that if the guy screws up in his job, he can always tell that you did not xplain things to him properly.!! OR you can cc this to your manager and tell him that u have done xtra work and hope he will give u a better rating/appraisal the next time.

The wonderful things about mails in the corporate world is that, u can always attach "checking your mails" as a reason for your incompitence/compitence.

Your manager asks " u y u did not attend the meeting?-

"oh...i did not chk my mails, i chkd it now!"

manager-"But don't u know the meeting is postponed and its now?"

"oh...my mailbox is capped and i am not receiving any new mails"

Some unwanted colleauge ask's u out for coffee-"sorry, i am checking my mails"

Some unwanted colleauge ask's u y u haven't completed ur work "i am chking my mails"

Y are u late to office-"i was chking mails from home"

Y are u leaving early "gotta chk mails and those mails are not openenig in office"

Where is the report?-"mailing them"

Where is the report?-"have mailed them, mostly ur mailbox has been capped".

Why am i ending this post abruptly....?? "sorry, i am blogging from office and me gotta chk my mails..!! "

P.S. I chkd my yahoo mailbox and have a job post mail. It is from a company called CLIMAX OIL. Of all the mails i get...!!!! The only problem is these ppl require "qualified people who have 2yrs experience".......my my...only if i had started working earlier...!!! any of u guy's interested..!???

Paying the PRICE.......
Now that I am fully grown adult(at least physically), living in the big city and earning a decent amount enough to fill my stomach(and other things)....it seems insanely ridiculous when mother india asks you to pay for ice creams....!!! I mean...for 21.7 years you and father have paid for my ice creams,clothes,food,petrol,books(which i never asked you to pay for),guns and all the other things i spend on and i do not tell you about. Just because i have started earning and i dont know what to do with the money i get...does not mean i've got to pay for ice creams, the mensinakay, kotthombri soppu, the gellucil, the zenetac and all that stupid stuff! What happened to those 5rs u would give me to get all this stuff and whose change u would never get back..!?? what happened to those 2 crisp notes i used to get every 5th day of the month..??? What happened to those coins u always wondered as to where they disappeared..??
Am i paying the price for everything or am i paying the price..........????

Do these things happen to every1 in the corporate world....???

Does Air conditioning make u go to the restroom more than 5 times a day?? And everytime you leave, ur manager is not there but everytime u come back he/she is always there...???

Everytime you go the pantry only then the coffee is over.
Everytime you to go have lunch to the food court, there is a big queue or there is nothing at all...???
Everytime you are early there is no work but anytime u are late there its as if the sky is falling down..
Everyday u get ur badge no one notices it but everytime u forget it the whole world notices it...???